Sunday, March 16, 2008
Getting a Grip Again and again
I had me an unusual day of utter resentment yesterday. Paula had written an wonderful post that all adoptive parents should read and consider deeply, but Claudia's post said it all for me at the moment.
I'd been working hard in The Big Back Garden, first I was perturbed at a seed company that waited until mid-March to send what I needed to plant in January. As I dug with a shovel, ripping out rhizomes of quack grass I allowed other issues to fester within me. My negative feelings swelled inside of me and I literally had a one woman pity party as I dug. Yolie called my cell phone to tell me to take heed of tornado warnings all around us and I snapped, "I don't care, I hope it takes me."
I cried because Sarah's baby, Bailey, had passed away. That would have been someone who adored me in stark contrast to the hate and anger that's poured upon me too often. How is that fair?
Trying to link that day - January 23, 2006, I went through my January archives wondering how I've managed to even make a complete sentence anymore. Life has been kinda tough on us.
Fabian came out to check on me and I was in tears, really deeply irked at many things going on that I tend to keep to myself until everything is untangled. A 'for example' involves my son who is mad at me because he got two DUIs in the past six months. Mad at ME. Someone who hates alcohol and told him to go get an apartment rather than using the money he saved by living with me on alcohol.
To find me with a tear streaked face is unusual and Fabian was alarmed, responding appropriately by running to clean his pigsty room.
I can live with the no gratitude aspect of all this, but it gets a bit much when the anger at their own behavior is taken out on me.
Jonathan has been awful lately, oppositional and hateful. Pepe snapped last night after Jonathan tried to physically fight with Paloma, his birth sister, who wouldn't rise to the occasion and get sucked into his rude and maladaptive morass. Pepe slung Jonathan across the kitchen while Carolina and I jumped in to intervene. I got Pepe cooled off, "It's not worth it son, explain your DBT to me again," which he did while telling me he thinks Jonathan's gonna end up in jail.
Monica was aggravated at the laziness around here hollering that Mama does all the work and y'all can't even pick up your own dirty clothes? I told her it wasn't worth the effort to enforce decent behavior. I was emotionally sinking fast.
Why don't I just let it be? Let them sink to the pits of the lowest possible human behavior? Why don't I save myself the terrible stress on my emotions and my body and just let them grow up like animals? I have to clean it all up anyway and in spite of my one thousand percent efforts, they still want to get arrested for obvious law breaking behaviors? They fight me viciously on every aspect of decency. Why don't I just let them grow up and do what they want to do even if it means they'll lie, cheat, steal and destroy everything and everyone around them?
Because then I wouldn't be parenting and if all my parenting still amounts to nothing at least I will know that I have given it more than my ALL. If they choose to rebel against morals, standards and values then it's on them, not me.
I held Estrella until my blood pressure receded, watching the local news until our county went under a tornado warning, funnel clouds in our area, so about 40-50 of us went into Grandma's basement for an hour until that storm passed as did my inner one.
Shockingly, Chuy called me from Winterfest and admitted that he missed me. Whoa, progress is evident from Mr. Standoffish? A local deputy's daughter had a slumber party and Mayra was invited...you want one of us in your house? After you've had to be in my house when children have wanted to "F#&* this family up?" Even his wife had stopped me on the ballfield to remind me of the party.
My PTSD gets more obvious each day. War wounds that can't be seen with the naked eye, battle scars inside my brain. The kids all came to me years ago seething with anger and resentment, trusting no one, crying and depressed...now I have to fight it out of me daily.
I'm glad it is Sunday and we'll be heading to church soon. Lord knows I need it.