When a child raged over nothing yesterday, hitting and slamming against my walls, kicking and scuffing the floor, slinging snot and screaming, I maintained my calm because unfortunately or fortunately I am becoming immune to this. Not necessarily that my heart is hardening but how many names can one call me, how much hatred and blame can be poured out on me until I emotionally withdraw somewhat?
Get real.
I feed, clothe, tend to my family constantly, I've devoted myself to this journey for decades and, while I am inordinately proud of some of my kids and deeply grateful to God that they are in my life, there are others who, through no discernible fault of their own, will always be incapable of normal behavior no matter what label they are given by professionals.
It is not my fault that my children came from hellacious circumstances, it is not my fault that quite a few have chosen to break the law over the last few years, and it is not my fault when grown kids make poor choices and have to pay the consequences.
These issues that came with the children are not my fault, blame me all you want, but nothing will be solved or accomplished that way.
I sat with two women today holding Master's Degrees in Social Work, Yolie and Audrey, discussing this subject. I work alongside of therapists, psychologists, teachers and psychiatrists on a nearly daily basis. I will not listen to excuses from folks like my kids who break the law, I will listen to the professionals who are trying so hard to help us.
Right now I have three teens in DJJ situations, two kids in adult jail, one just out after a DUI and thankfully the one with the 'no insurance' charge produced proof just in the nick of time. Another grown kid still facing some charges in court.
I took all my kids to church for decades, I instilled a value system and I held them all accountable for their actions. Now the police are doing so, just like I told them would happen.
Audrey pointed out our many success stories here and I really need to keep concentrating on that, because lately I have become very disheartened.
And, as I blogged earlier, some of my grown kids are facing some challenges and some ultimately good things that will happen eventually, but it's going to take some hand-holding and encouragement from me to get there. Looking ahead for some impending events in 2008, it's going to be an interesting, challenging time for many of us.
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4 comments:
And what more could you do, or have possibly done? I'm so sure that you gave each of those kids your whole heart and your love and stability, which is far more than most of us would ever be capable of. Imagine how they would be right now if you hadn't loved them, taught them, and held them accountable?! Thank you for being a great mother, not just to the kids given to you, but to the kids who NEEDED you.
No, it isn't your fault that they came from hellacious backgrounds - but they did. Not fair, not right, not anything to do with you personally - I think that's why we aren't "supposed" to take these rages personally. Knowing it, processing it, living it, it still breaks your heart. As much as you want to, you can't help someone who refuses help. Our kids may not be healed until we are long gone, but they still may be healed, that's what keeps us going. Keep doing what you're doing - you are reaching some, which is alot more than most people are doing.
>I maintained my calm >because unfortunately or >fortunately I am becoming >immune to this. Not >necessarily that my heart >is hardening but how many >names can one call me, >how much hatred and blame >can be poured out on me >until I emotionally >withdraw somewhat?
>It is not my fault that >my children came from >hellacious circumstances, >it is not my fault that >quite a few have chosen >to break the law over the >last few years, and it is >not my fault when grown >kids make poor choices >and have to pay the >consequences.
Wow! When I read this I was immediately struck by the similarity in your feelings and what our children must feel regarding their birth circumstances. I wonder how many beatings, how manynames they were called before they learned to become somewhat immune to it. How many times they must have thought how it was not their fault that their birth parents made the choices that they did, broke the law or
"medicated" themselves into oblivion.
Is it any wonder that the coping skills they developed are so skewed from a societal norm? Don't you just love it when God provides us such a clear mirror of the parallels between our kids and ourselves.
In His peace - Cindy
MoM(Mom of Many) - and ????
Cindy A,
Bingo! Thanks for pointing out what I did not see during my pity party. You are exactly right.
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